So its been 3 months to the day since i was aditted to hospital!
Today (for the whole day) ive felt really confident, really good about myself and felt like im going to have a really good night out, becase my gosh do i deserve it!
BUT NO!!! just when i think im moving on from this decrepid illness, it strikes again, heres a run down....
Was having the afrore mentioned amazing night out! dancing with people, having a right laugh. And for a few hours its fine, and then all of a sudden, im in liquid. i get a little bit paranoid (just a tad) and BANG it takes hold, i run to the loos and manage to compose myself. get back to the club and i know where the fans are so i stand under one (knowing that cooling my body down can help allieviate my mood) but its not working and i can feel it building inside me, we run into liquid (the club next door) and i try and search for my friend so i can say bye. All the while georgette is starting to notice that im acting odd it manifested in the form of a mild panic attack, i was trying to control my breathing) and i just gave up and said we need to leave now, and practically left her in the club to run outside to get some air. fresh air, how i love thee. but thee hates me. she ca,e out n we started walking to the car, and i managed to keep composed until i got in the little bingo bus ad held my head in my hands and balled. in the middle of festival leisure, i balled my eyes out crying. not because id drunk too much, just because i was having a moment, and my god im sick of it!!!!
I coudnt explain why i was like it, which made me feel worse. its now 3am and i need to be at work in 6 hours and im shattered but wired and im hungry but i feel sick, my body is exaughsted but my brain is over active. WHY!!!!
Friday, 28 January 2011
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Life is like an international translator.....
I keep thinking about language and communication and how it shapes relationships and ultimately our lives.
There are always people at school who are bursting with ideas and creativity but arent given the tools to put it on paper or find their particular form of expression. Thats an outrage in any language.
I think alot about the experiences we go through in life, the ones that are everyday and repetetive and the huge ones that make an impact on us forever.
Ive had alot of life experiences and i truely beelieve that each of those has given me the power to speak a whole new language.
I have Bi-Polar, and the language i use when talking about it can be abstract (yet always english) and many many people may not understand or even try to understand what i am trying to communicate, but my bi polar friends get it completely. its almost like relief, finding someone who can read you in the language you wish to express and a deep and personal level.
Almost like we are marked with our life experiences and we just read each other to find out if we can communicate in the same way.
I like being able to have conversations with "victims" as their peer and as someone who understands fully. I think that langguage can be used as a foundation for trust
Someone im really close to asked me today if i would swap my life for an easier ride, and was i think shocked that there is no way on this earth i would. All the stuff that has been thrown at me so far, and the things in the future, are meant to shape me. to build up my arsenal so that when the time comes, i can stand up and fight for those who communicate with me in the same way. I am not letting anyone jump ship on my watch because every human life is beautiful and every person deserves to know love and security and to feel protected. I think im a woman on a missson!
There are always people at school who are bursting with ideas and creativity but arent given the tools to put it on paper or find their particular form of expression. Thats an outrage in any language.
I think alot about the experiences we go through in life, the ones that are everyday and repetetive and the huge ones that make an impact on us forever.
Ive had alot of life experiences and i truely beelieve that each of those has given me the power to speak a whole new language.
I have Bi-Polar, and the language i use when talking about it can be abstract (yet always english) and many many people may not understand or even try to understand what i am trying to communicate, but my bi polar friends get it completely. its almost like relief, finding someone who can read you in the language you wish to express and a deep and personal level.
Almost like we are marked with our life experiences and we just read each other to find out if we can communicate in the same way.
I like being able to have conversations with "victims" as their peer and as someone who understands fully. I think that langguage can be used as a foundation for trust
Someone im really close to asked me today if i would swap my life for an easier ride, and was i think shocked that there is no way on this earth i would. All the stuff that has been thrown at me so far, and the things in the future, are meant to shape me. to build up my arsenal so that when the time comes, i can stand up and fight for those who communicate with me in the same way. I am not letting anyone jump ship on my watch because every human life is beautiful and every person deserves to know love and security and to feel protected. I think im a woman on a missson!
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Faith
Faith is a journey... a journey of love and trust, of exploration, of dependance on the unseen, and of hope for the future. Faith is personal and intimate, but huge and yet small. it can fill every crevice, every thought, every doubt. It can make you a warrior in a feild of daisys, a comforter to those in need. It can give you the power to hold hands like no other, to comfort, to listen, to believe.
When i see 217's dining room i dont see people, i see hearts, those moved by god already settled in his love, and in an incredible relationship, those like me who are new and hungry and scared at the magnitude, new hearts taking their first tentative steps towards faith. Broken hearts in need to repair who have just come to sit and take the load off for a while silently, hearts broken for those around them in need, to share the load in prayer in fellowship and worship, hearts crying out in hunger for more, for more strength, more direction for more grace, for the holy spirit to fill their body, broken hearts who come for answers, broken hearts who dont even know how to ask, but know they can just come and recieve them anyway.
Faith.
In a god whose limits are boundless, whose power in unsurpassed, whose grace extends to every corner of every room, to the root of every blade of grass crushed by the feet of children, to every speck of dust in the plains of africa, the deserts of arab nations, to every molecule of water running through our home every single day, to know the very number of hairs upon every head. that is love.
Faith can move mountains, it can break bridges, it can heal hearts.
But it is also a journey of such a personal nature that every single person is different. For me its been a tough 13 months since i declared i believed and was baptised. Do i believe that from that day forward god had his hand on my shoulder No! God has been with me for a very long time, through every experience, through every bad patch, through every good patch too. I now have the space and the heart to celebrate with him to take hold of an outstretched and and say yes father i will walk with you. Im no longer a lost little girl. My father found me and now im here, proclaiming my love for him, after almost 23 years of his love for me! And when i fall down and graze my knee, or make a stupid spelling mistake (or swear like a trooper in my case) i am not chastised, im loved and forgiven. personal testimony is the greatest story of faith, and can never be challenged, because it is real life experience, its your story of how you and god met and moved together, an awakening.
Everyday since i have been out of hispital (5 weeks and 1 day) i have woken up realising that this is the beginning of my life, and i no longer dream of its end. I have a job to do, a purpose, and it sbeen placed in my heart. i have some prep time, and i hope i use it well enough that when the day comes that i can stand and be counted as an individual of faith in our almighty god, i am strong in faith, strong in character and that the power of my testimony kick starts something amazing. I want God to help me change the world, hes shown me how, i just have to get there. This is my Awakening!
Faith is a journey... a journey of love and trust, of exploration, of dependance on the unseen, and of hope for the future. Faith is personal and intimate, but huge and yet small. it can fill every crevice, every thought, every doubt. It can make you a warrior in a feild of daisys, a comforter to those in need. It can give you the power to hold hands like no other, to comfort, to listen, to believe.
When i see 217's dining room i dont see people, i see hearts, those moved by god already settled in his love, and in an incredible relationship, those like me who are new and hungry and scared at the magnitude, new hearts taking their first tentative steps towards faith. Broken hearts in need to repair who have just come to sit and take the load off for a while silently, hearts broken for those around them in need, to share the load in prayer in fellowship and worship, hearts crying out in hunger for more, for more strength, more direction for more grace, for the holy spirit to fill their body, broken hearts who come for answers, broken hearts who dont even know how to ask, but know they can just come and recieve them anyway.
Faith.
In a god whose limits are boundless, whose power in unsurpassed, whose grace extends to every corner of every room, to the root of every blade of grass crushed by the feet of children, to every speck of dust in the plains of africa, the deserts of arab nations, to every molecule of water running through our home every single day, to know the very number of hairs upon every head. that is love.
Faith can move mountains, it can break bridges, it can heal hearts.
But it is also a journey of such a personal nature that every single person is different. For me its been a tough 13 months since i declared i believed and was baptised. Do i believe that from that day forward god had his hand on my shoulder No! God has been with me for a very long time, through every experience, through every bad patch, through every good patch too. I now have the space and the heart to celebrate with him to take hold of an outstretched and and say yes father i will walk with you. Im no longer a lost little girl. My father found me and now im here, proclaiming my love for him, after almost 23 years of his love for me! And when i fall down and graze my knee, or make a stupid spelling mistake (or swear like a trooper in my case) i am not chastised, im loved and forgiven. personal testimony is the greatest story of faith, and can never be challenged, because it is real life experience, its your story of how you and god met and moved together, an awakening.
Everyday since i have been out of hispital (5 weeks and 1 day) i have woken up realising that this is the beginning of my life, and i no longer dream of its end. I have a job to do, a purpose, and it sbeen placed in my heart. i have some prep time, and i hope i use it well enough that when the day comes that i can stand and be counted as an individual of faith in our almighty god, i am strong in faith, strong in character and that the power of my testimony kick starts something amazing. I want God to help me change the world, hes shown me how, i just have to get there. This is my Awakening!
Monday, 15 November 2010
This is something i wrote a long long time ago (approx 10 weeks ago) and have never been brave enough to share..............
will i always be ill?
will i ever be able to work full time?
can i face having mentally ill children?
will i ever learn to cope?
do i understand my illness?
do i understand the impact on everyone elses lives?
Can a brain be re-programmed to think a "normal" way again??
I wan to try and i do work hard to be a fully functional member of society. To hold down a job, a house, a relationship, friendships, faith. I dont understand why things get so hard, why i find every little thing so bloody difficult. I want to reward myself everyday for just getting out of bed, because that in itself is amazing and requires alot!
I feel like a dissapointment, like i dont really deserve everything i have, and i probably dont. but i want to.
When my head starts going funny, it hurts my body too. Its an odd feeling of complete exaughstion, nausea, muscle ache and cramp yet thats always distracted by whats going on in my nutty head.
What is normal? i just dont get it, can i ever even dream of feeling that way?I havent had a good day (or a day that i didnt feel bad) in 4 weeks! Ive been on the edge twice and managed to pull myself back and i just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and i dont know how much i have left. The last 4 weeks have shattered my whole defences and all my armour is gone. Im running on just me and no reserve so im a wreck. I cry everyday, i get angry and frustrated and annoyed!
My delusions are driving me mad! Even in my dreams now too. i just dont get time away from this illness, not one part of my body or my life that it doesnt engulf and devour.
I found a good comparison for why i self harm. I feel like im a boiling pan of water, i just need to take the lid off and let the steam out.
i think i wrote this around the 1st of september
will i always be ill?
will i ever be able to work full time?
can i face having mentally ill children?
will i ever learn to cope?
do i understand my illness?
do i understand the impact on everyone elses lives?
Can a brain be re-programmed to think a "normal" way again??
I wan to try and i do work hard to be a fully functional member of society. To hold down a job, a house, a relationship, friendships, faith. I dont understand why things get so hard, why i find every little thing so bloody difficult. I want to reward myself everyday for just getting out of bed, because that in itself is amazing and requires alot!
I feel like a dissapointment, like i dont really deserve everything i have, and i probably dont. but i want to.
When my head starts going funny, it hurts my body too. Its an odd feeling of complete exaughstion, nausea, muscle ache and cramp yet thats always distracted by whats going on in my nutty head.
What is normal? i just dont get it, can i ever even dream of feeling that way?I havent had a good day (or a day that i didnt feel bad) in 4 weeks! Ive been on the edge twice and managed to pull myself back and i just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and i dont know how much i have left. The last 4 weeks have shattered my whole defences and all my armour is gone. Im running on just me and no reserve so im a wreck. I cry everyday, i get angry and frustrated and annoyed!
My delusions are driving me mad! Even in my dreams now too. i just dont get time away from this illness, not one part of my body or my life that it doesnt engulf and devour.
I found a good comparison for why i self harm. I feel like im a boiling pan of water, i just need to take the lid off and let the steam out.
i think i wrote this around the 1st of september
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
The latest
So things have been hard recently, Bi polar wise and spiritually.
Im coming out the other side of a hard battle with mental health (specifically Bi Polar).
Many people believe that its in the depressive episodes that you are most likely to endanger yourself, but in m experience that is not true. its my manic phases that cause more detuction. I go hystrical.... Although recetly it did lead to a bleach drinking incident lol.
Thats what most people dont understand, its logical to think that way. I was thirsty, i couldnt find water, and bleach is a liquid, which made sense, and still kind of does. Alot of things happened around that time, which led to a certain someone threatening to section me. He told me that he has had people sectioned at work for less than what had happened with me.
Since the, me and god have kind of been . . . . . . . distant.
Ive been hiding away from all of my friends really, not wanting to communicate with them. I can barel pray anymore, and i dont know how to break it. how do i re onnect with God and why the hell did i stop in the first place....
To be continued.........
Im coming out the other side of a hard battle with mental health (specifically Bi Polar).
Many people believe that its in the depressive episodes that you are most likely to endanger yourself, but in m experience that is not true. its my manic phases that cause more detuction. I go hystrical.... Although recetly it did lead to a bleach drinking incident lol.
Thats what most people dont understand, its logical to think that way. I was thirsty, i couldnt find water, and bleach is a liquid, which made sense, and still kind of does. Alot of things happened around that time, which led to a certain someone threatening to section me. He told me that he has had people sectioned at work for less than what had happened with me.
Since the, me and god have kind of been . . . . . . . distant.
Ive been hiding away from all of my friends really, not wanting to communicate with them. I can barel pray anymore, and i dont know how to break it. how do i re onnect with God and why the hell did i stop in the first place....
To be continued.........
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Random Musings
OK so recently i switched off my phone, put away the mac, didn't play any music. I stopped. I wanted to find out what God was up to.. see what he is doing in the heart of the nations but also in my heart and this is what i found.
Do i dare to bare all before God?can i? or will something always be held back?Does he really love me that much?YES!
I am on the cusp of something TRULY BEAUTIFUL, so why am i holding back? Shame? Anguish?Indecision?Trust?Love?what is love?God? God is love, that i know for sure, a love that is seamless, endless, without withering. It will flower if i learn to accept it, and it will prosper and envelop me.Do i love?Do i know how?How do i go about loving someone when i know they will always be better at it?i guess its like buying a Christmas present for the person who has everything??There is always love though, to give, share and receive.
How can i sit back and let god love me?Surely i have to do something in return?find a way of loving him back? a new way of expressing it?but how?and what if I'm not so full of love that i want to explode??is that worth less? NO!
By loving each other we are loving god in some way, by just being together, supporting each other, being held up by those around you because you cant do it on your own. that's love, right there, in the hearts of those people prepared to sacrifice something in themselves to hold you up. A small selfless act that speaks volumes about love, compassion and community, we will never be able to know, to truly know the extent that god loves us, how vast and wide it is, or just how much he does for us everyday! but in small selfless acts we can give a little bit back, just a tiny piece of our hearts every now and then. because one day you will give away the last piece of yourselves and your heart over to him. maybe that's when we will know true love? maybe that's when we will know love without expectation or end. Because what i do know now is that gods love does not end, it is like a tree planted by streams of water that bears its fruit in the season.fruit that in the very darkest moments we can share in together, and that my friends is what i believe to be love.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
We are living in an ever greater political world, and an even smaller (by that i mean proportionally) christian world. and with so much happening in politics thisweek i figured id post a few song lyrics. The first is a song by pink, in the form of a letter she speaks to George Bush. she was brave enough to be one of the first to stand up and say hey man thats enough!
Dear Mr President
come take a walk with me
lets pretend were just two people and
your not better than me
id like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly
what do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
what do you feel when you look in the mirror
are you proud????
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
how do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
how do you walk with your head held high
can you even look me in the eyes
and tell me why
dear me president
were you a lonely boy
are you a lonely boy
are you a lonely boy
how can you say
now child is left behind
were not dumb and were not blind
theyre all sitting in your cells
while you pave the way to hell
what kind of father would take his own daughters rights away
and what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
i can only imagine what the first lady had to say
youve come a long way from whisky and cocaine
how do you sleep while the rest of us cry
how do you dream while a mother has no chance to say goodbye
how do you walk with your head held high
can you even look me in the eye
and tell me why
Let me tell you about hard work
minnimum wage with a baby on the way
let me tell you about hard work
rebuilding your house after the bombs to them away
let me tell you about hard work
building a bed out of a cardboard box
let me tell you about hard work
hard work
hard work
you dont know nothing about hard work
hard work
hard work
how do you sleep at night
how do you walk with your head held high
dear mr president
youd never take a walk with me
would you??
Its such an incredible song i think, and i think it really details that political figures ignorance of how much earthly power they have, and they never seem accountable to anyone do they?? Well let me tell you right now they are accountable to GOD, just as i am, just as you are, the president, prime minister and the people who shine their shoes are ALL accountable to GOD. so just lay your life down to hiim, open your heart to him, because if you do, you will reap the rewards of his love,and they are worth more than you can ever dream of!!
Sorry for the rush, its just i have swine flu n i feel pretty rotten!!
Lots of love x x x
Dear Mr President
come take a walk with me
lets pretend were just two people and
your not better than me
id like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly
what do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
what do you feel when you look in the mirror
are you proud????
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
how do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
how do you walk with your head held high
can you even look me in the eyes
and tell me why
dear me president
were you a lonely boy
are you a lonely boy
are you a lonely boy
how can you say
now child is left behind
were not dumb and were not blind
theyre all sitting in your cells
while you pave the way to hell
what kind of father would take his own daughters rights away
and what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
i can only imagine what the first lady had to say
youve come a long way from whisky and cocaine
how do you sleep while the rest of us cry
how do you dream while a mother has no chance to say goodbye
how do you walk with your head held high
can you even look me in the eye
and tell me why
Let me tell you about hard work
minnimum wage with a baby on the way
let me tell you about hard work
rebuilding your house after the bombs to them away
let me tell you about hard work
building a bed out of a cardboard box
let me tell you about hard work
hard work
hard work
you dont know nothing about hard work
hard work
hard work
how do you sleep at night
how do you walk with your head held high
dear mr president
youd never take a walk with me
would you??
Its such an incredible song i think, and i think it really details that political figures ignorance of how much earthly power they have, and they never seem accountable to anyone do they?? Well let me tell you right now they are accountable to GOD, just as i am, just as you are, the president, prime minister and the people who shine their shoes are ALL accountable to GOD. so just lay your life down to hiim, open your heart to him, because if you do, you will reap the rewards of his love,and they are worth more than you can ever dream of!!
Sorry for the rush, its just i have swine flu n i feel pretty rotten!!
Lots of love x x x
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