Sunday, 2 August 2009

This Christian: My Story

Hey guys,

So this blog is probably going to be all about god, and my exploration of his love and devotion, and everything in between. I figured that before i started going on about whats happening these days i would give a quick (ISH) overview of life from the day i found god until today (or whenever i get up to in the next hour or so.

so back in 2005 when i was just 17 years olf, i came back from a bit of a worldwide expedition. at 16 i fell in "love" with a man from south africa and decided to go back home with him. when it didnt work out i came back the long way round. 2 hours after i got home i started feeling a bit funny, just very tired (figured it was jet lag) so i went to sleep for a bit. when i woke up i knew something was wrong my head felt like it was going to explode, any tiny speckle of light or sound would send searing pain through my head, i was freezing cold and boiling hot at the same time, my joints felt stiff and heavy, i had lost my power of speech and was reduced to a babble, and a dribble and probably the odd burp. Within an hour my mum was on the phone to NHS direct and they waited on the phone with my muim and sent an ambulance to come to me straight away and i was seriously ill and unable to move at this point. i do remember a few things that happened next, and to you they may seem unimportant, but that day changed my life.
I arrived at the hospital, they tried to weigh me and i had lost 11lbs in 4 days and i collapsed on the scale, right into a filing cabinet. The next thing i remember is being in a bed in A&E, i was in a private room with a window, i have tubes coming out of my arms that i later learnt were giving me fluids for dehydration and antibiotics to fight an infection. I remember my head being stuck in the same position facing the right hand side, and the little window was there, i was always looking out of that window, when all sorts was going on i would look, and then that moment came....

There was a man of about 50 in the bay next to mine, i would see him from my window perfectly, he had lots of leads on his chest and was topless and looked awful, about half an hour later or so i watched this man have a heart attack and die, he dies right in front of me. It was then that i first started asking questions about God, who he was and is there was anyway he could have helped this man and his family.

After spending a few weeks in hospital, during which time i had endured seriously painful lumbre punctures and had what felt like my bodyweight in antibiotics pumped into me, i was released on a friday. I had to continue to see a speech therapist as it still wasnt back to normal. the day after that (saturday) i decided that i would visit the local church that was opposite my house to just watch and listen and feel. i wanted to know god and i didnt know how to knock on his door.
An hour later jehovahs witnessess knocked on my door. i felt it was a message from god i felt like these people had been sent by god to help me on my journey.

For a year, maybe a little more than a year i studied hard, only taking one day off from bible studies and meetings, i studied hard because i was hungry, hungry for the lord, hungry to start being the hands and feet of jesus in the modern day. But something was wrong, something didnt feel right, i didnt take what i was taught into my heart, never let it become the biggest part of my life in a spiritual sense not just a physical one, so i led a double life, i would be 18 and go out drinking and smoking and having sex and doing awful things, all the while being the perfect bible student during the day. i have to state at this point that living 2 lives is not ok, you have to live one life for jesus and i think alot of people struggle with that.

It wasnt until i suffered a serious loss that i realised how little i had gained. it was great that i knew my bible backwards and in 3 languages but unless i started walking the walk as well as talking the talk, my relationship with god would never happen!

8 months after this loss some things started to change. I met my partner who we shall call Mr B, and although he was no longer a christian, his family were, so i said i would put God on the back burner, concentrate on just getting my life straight and being a strong person first (not the best way, it would have been much easier with gods help, but thats something we all learn in hindsight!) so for 2 years i just spent time praying, learning thinking meditating, on everything i had previously been taught. It was an incredible time for reflection and a great time for me to be able to work out what i wanted, where god was in my life and in my heart.

That takes us up to a few months ago when i plucked up the courange to go to church with mr B's parents (the F's) and i have never in my life been happier, i was so happy i cried that day. In 2 hours i had learnt more than i ever had before. and most importantly i felt happy, like i could love god as much as i wanted to day by day and that god loves individuality and you can worship him in so many ways!
well that was news to me!

i guess ill leave it there and pick up again in a few days and tell you all the truely amazing things god has done in the last few months! its been truely amazing!!!!

Peace out
Miss B

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