This is something i wrote a long long time ago (approx 10 weeks ago) and have never been brave enough to share..............

will i always be ill?
will i ever be able to work full time?
can i face having mentally ill children?
will i ever learn to cope?
do i understand my illness?
do i understand the impact on everyone elses lives?

Can a brain be re-programmed to think a "normal" way again??

I wan to try and i do work hard to be a fully functional member of society. To hold down a job, a house, a relationship, friendships, faith. I dont understand why things get so hard, why i find every little thing so bloody difficult. I want to reward myself everyday for just getting out of bed, because that in itself is amazing and requires alot!
I feel like a dissapointment, like i dont really deserve everything i have, and i probably dont. but i want to.
When my head starts going funny, it hurts my body too. Its an odd feeling of complete exaughstion, nausea, muscle ache and cramp yet thats always distracted by whats going on in my nutty head.
What is normal? i just dont get it, can i ever even dream of feeling that way?I havent had a good day (or a day that i didnt feel bad) in 4 weeks! Ive been on the edge twice and managed to pull myself back and i just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and i dont know how much i have left. The last 4 weeks have shattered my whole defences and all my armour is gone. Im running on just me and no reserve so im a wreck. I cry everyday, i get angry and frustrated and annoyed!
My delusions are driving me mad! Even in my dreams now too. i just dont get time away from this illness, not one part of my body or my life that it doesnt engulf and devour.
I found a good comparison for why i self harm. I feel like im a boiling pan of water, i just need to take the lid off and let the steam out.

i think i wrote this around the 1st of september