WHY!.....

So its been 3 months to the day since i was aditted to hospital!
Today (for the whole day) ive felt really confident, really good about myself and felt like im going to have a really good night out, becase my gosh do i deserve it!

BUT NO!!! just when i think im moving on from this decrepid illness, it strikes again, heres a run down....

Was having the afrore mentioned amazing night out! dancing with people, having a right laugh. And for a few hours its fine, and then all of a sudden, im in liquid. i get a little bit paranoid (just a tad) and BANG it takes hold, i run to the loos and manage to compose myself. get back to the club and i know where the fans are so i stand under one (knowing that cooling my body down can help allieviate my mood) but its not working and i can feel it building inside me, we run into liquid (the club next door) and i try and search for my friend so i can say bye. All the while georgette is starting to notice that im acting odd it manifested in the form of a mild panic attack, i was trying to control my breathing) and i just gave up and said we need to leave now, and practically left her in the club to run outside to get some air. fresh air, how i love thee. but thee hates me. she ca,e out n we started walking to the car, and i managed to keep composed until i got in the little bingo bus ad held my head in my hands and balled. in the middle of festival leisure, i balled my eyes out crying. not because id drunk too much, just because i was having a moment, and my god im sick of it!!!!

I coudnt explain why i was like it, which made me feel worse. its now 3am and i need to be at work in 6 hours and im shattered but wired and im hungry but i feel sick, my body is exaughsted but my brain is over active. WHY!!!!

Life is like an international translator.....

I keep thinking about language and communication and how it shapes relationships and ultimately our lives.

There are always people at school who are bursting with ideas and creativity but arent given the tools to put it on paper or find their particular form of expression. Thats an outrage in any language.

I think alot about the experiences we go through in life, the ones that are everyday and repetetive and the huge ones that make an impact on us forever.
Ive had alot of life experiences and i truely beelieve that each of those has given me the power to speak a whole new language.

I have Bi-Polar, and the language i use when talking about it can be abstract (yet always english) and many many people may not understand or even try to understand what i am trying to communicate, but my bi polar friends get it completely. its almost like relief, finding someone who can read you in the language you wish to express and a deep and personal level.
Almost like we are marked with our life experiences and we just read each other to find out if we can communicate in the same way.

I like being able to have conversations with "victims" as their peer and as someone who understands fully. I think that langguage can be used as a foundation for trust

Someone im really close to asked me today if i would swap my life for an easier ride, and was i think shocked that there is no way on this earth i would. All the stuff that has been thrown at me so far, and the things in the future, are meant to shape me. to build up my arsenal so that when the time comes, i can stand up and fight for those who communicate with me in the same way. I am not letting anyone jump ship on my watch because every human life is beautiful and every person deserves to know love and security and to feel protected. I think im a woman on a missson!