WHY!.....

So its been 3 months to the day since i was aditted to hospital!
Today (for the whole day) ive felt really confident, really good about myself and felt like im going to have a really good night out, becase my gosh do i deserve it!

BUT NO!!! just when i think im moving on from this decrepid illness, it strikes again, heres a run down....

Was having the afrore mentioned amazing night out! dancing with people, having a right laugh. And for a few hours its fine, and then all of a sudden, im in liquid. i get a little bit paranoid (just a tad) and BANG it takes hold, i run to the loos and manage to compose myself. get back to the club and i know where the fans are so i stand under one (knowing that cooling my body down can help allieviate my mood) but its not working and i can feel it building inside me, we run into liquid (the club next door) and i try and search for my friend so i can say bye. All the while georgette is starting to notice that im acting odd it manifested in the form of a mild panic attack, i was trying to control my breathing) and i just gave up and said we need to leave now, and practically left her in the club to run outside to get some air. fresh air, how i love thee. but thee hates me. she ca,e out n we started walking to the car, and i managed to keep composed until i got in the little bingo bus ad held my head in my hands and balled. in the middle of festival leisure, i balled my eyes out crying. not because id drunk too much, just because i was having a moment, and my god im sick of it!!!!

I coudnt explain why i was like it, which made me feel worse. its now 3am and i need to be at work in 6 hours and im shattered but wired and im hungry but i feel sick, my body is exaughsted but my brain is over active. WHY!!!!